Living in your head, ‘intellectually’ got it all figured out. You know what’s coming, because you get the nuances life has to offer….and know what each situation calls for in response.
It’s not a fun way to live; there’s rare surprises and even rarer variation from the rigidity of holding to the way you do things (and the when). With the complex rule book in your head, you don’t even know why you hold tight, it just seems right.
Yeah…right in your comfort zone.
Right, so nothing can hurt you, get under your skin or perhaps take you off ‘perceived’ balance.
It’s why so many smart people are single or stay in crappy relationships or even have an okay relationship while giving the sheen of a perfect life.
I can relate.
I’m not a dating expert or coach. I’ve been a mix of a love coach (learning to love oneself), empowerment (in control of one’s emotional state) and relationship coach (teaching people it’s within their power to change a relationship or at least have a different experience of it).
I share, it took me a long while to understand where a coach could help me change my life too. I’m very self-aware, intelligent and always looking within, but I still miss so much–obviously, otherwise my life would look different.
I have a business coach. And now, I’m hiring a dating coach. To help me, like I help others to get the flashlight out and shine a light on my intellectualizing, keeping me from getting real, vulnerable and open.
I’ve seen my fear lately.
I see it lurking and I’m starting to unravel this veil. It’s deeper. I’ve worked this area before. Re-visiting the same stuff, in a different way, but once again it’s a deep dive.
Smart people y’all are your own worst enemy trying to control everyone and everything with smoke and mirrors, which aren’t fooling anyone.
Do you ever find yourself intellectualizing others’ emotions?
Or not wanting to have others witness you crying or looking vulnerable? Believing if you appear strong, everything looking good on the outside, that you or anybody else never has to look inside too deeply (The world will assume you’re okay, so they’ll never ask). We can leave the scary monsters alone.
It’s a lonely, empty and unfulfilling place to live. The intellect doesn’t feed you or anyone else emotionally, it keeps you distant.
In my biz, I speak to many individuals appearing to have their shit totally together, by giving the right intellectual answers to the questions (What emotions? What issues? You have none?). Fortunately, for them, I was one of those people too; I call bullshit on it and get deeper–so their lives change.
Point is, we all need help, or we never really move off our dime.
After coming off my own high horse in the realm of seeking help (because I’m very self-aware) if I don’t commit to someone helping me, things will stay the same. Stale. Boring. Predictable and completely cut off from a life I dream about and am now more courageous than afraid to claim.
No thank you to attracting the same kind of guy, that’s a one-way ticket to hell. Yet, I don’t feel bad, or as though I’m fatally flawed, or anything horrible. I just see my reality, and that I’m the common denominator. I’m single and it’s not tragic, BUT I’ve been unable on my own to achieve my aforementioned dream. So, there must be a mental construct buried needing to come to light.
Smart people can stay stuck for years.
Our lives may not be horrible or unmanageable, but we manipulate ourselves into believing the bullshit we feed others, about how we appear to the rest of the world. Buying into our own story will keep us in it for the rest of our lives.
An example of a story, it’s wanting to stay angry, blaming someone else (especially a parent), holding an intellectual wall holding in place, so you don’t have to be vulnerable or be accountable. It’s old protection from being hurt as a child.
That story of another being a bad or good person is part of what those who intellectualize bring into the carefully constructed persona, in essence we victimize ourselves and remain powerless to change it, as long as we stay in our intellect.
Intellectualizing around dating, career, relationships or anything where feeling (our gut) should be in place, will never allow us to deeply connect with the world. Everything remains at the surface and those patterns tougher to break.
Got anxiety? Depression? Stress and feel overwhelmed? Waiting for a dysfunctional situation to be functional?
You’re in your head.
To be in your intellect is to live in a cocoon, to be busy showing everyone you’re okay and that you have all the answers; pushing away anything threatening the image and to feel dreadfully alone (even in a relationship).
It’s such a waste of time, we’re meant to be living LARGE! Emotionally and spiritually connected, getting uncomfortable as we move toward our dreams!
I’ll let you know how my dating coach adventure goes, because I’m committed to change. How about you? Ready for change? If you’re interested in what I offer in taking a deep dive within, please set up a discovery session.