“Almost. It’s a big word for me. I feel it everywhere.
Almost home. Almost happy.
Almost, but not quite
– Joan Bauer, Almost Home
Written By Cristina DiMeglio
This quote really hits home for me. I have lived in a flurry of in-between answers my entire life and the word “almost” sums it up quite well. I almost had the job, almost had the relationship, almost had the life I wanted…do you see the pattern? These “almosts” have been my best friend.
They have taken residence in my vocabulary and they certainly don’t pay rent.
I alone have chosen “almost” over yes, and “almost” over no. It’s been my expertly disguised form of self-sabotage to date; while I am working through these “almosts,” in truth it’s directly linked to my vision and dream for the future.
My “almost” was a statement telling the universe, I did not know the answer, so I must not deserve it; therefore, my self-worth is lacking. “Almost” continues attracting things, people, and scenarios to me, in which, I can never quite have what I want, when I want it.
When it comes to making big decisions in my life, I side-step, safely to the sideline. My mind plays tricks on me, causing me to feel confused. I make myself physically ill over not knowing. Followed by judgment within me saying, “well if I don’t know the answer, then maybe I don’t deserve it or I’m not supposed to have it.” I put all my worth into feeling like I had to know the right thing to do all the time. (No pressure!)
My mind loves logic and really it’s an ego thing for me.
If I can break things down to where I show you the process of things, it proves I am smart. My knowledge and wisdom show I am valuable. The thing is, it’s not true. ALL OF IT. It’s not fucking true. These lies my mind has told me. I don’t have all the answers.
Do I know things? Yes.
But you and I are alike, in how we’re learning to connect within. Align within. Ground and root within, so the shadows can no longer hide out, unseen and unacknowledged.
My decisions are coming more and more from my heart space than ever before. This is the living heartbeat of life, it’s not found in the “almosts” or the might have beens.
In recent events, I have figured something out in a most genuine, soulful way; what if the real freedom was actually in the not knowing? Yes, not knowing.
My mind is quick and I change my opinions often, therein lies limitation. To think you know is limited. To listen and feel for the answer? It’s the very intelligence, which is breathing life into you and me, right now.
What if the act of trying to force myself to figure things out is actually blocking me? What if, to the degree I can expand into the “not knowing” and instead check in with myself and feel, I allow the highest insight to come down into my being.
The mind always wants to be 17 steps ahead ( I am a recovering control freak), but really, when did our plans for our lives go according to the bullet points we made? Practically never! Why do we still expect it, though?
If life brought you into existence, it’s that cosmic intelligence, which is breathing in you and I right now. It’s time to trust BIGGER than our minds and what we “know.” Knowing can be limited. Your soul has its own GPS.
When you make a decision from fear, you are perpetuating more fear.
In making decisions connected to your inner knowing, you make choices from love and freedom. Sometimes those decisions are messy, but you will know you have done right for yourself, when even among all the chaos, you are still feeling at peace inside.
If you have been in a place of mulling over torture in your brain, a back and forth dance of what should I do; I invite you to give yourself permission to really relax and not force yourself to do anything your mind is telling you that you should do. Instead, embrace this time of not knowing and allow a space to open up within you so you can listen for the guidance, you so desperately have been seeking.