#215- Journey of Attachment: Over-giving and Over-performing
Insecurely attached people tend to over-perform and over-compensate for the lack of value they feel inside. They think they have to work extra hard, running the race backwards, in order earn love and attention. This goes beyond people-pleasing. It’s a drive to show someone you’re worth it, needing that external validation, and fearing if you don’t over-perform, you’ll be rejected or abandoned. You may project your low self-esteem on your partner, going above and beyond to show them how wonderful they are so they won’t feel like crap inside. But it’s more a reflection of how you feel about yourself than it being about them.
You might push, force or cling, trying to avoid disappointment yet setting yourself up for it by constantly giving to get: cooking a nice dinner or catering to what someone else wants with strings attached. You think you’re giving in a loving way, but it’s really giving so they won’t leave or so you feel valuable enough to deserve them. Over-performing is a pattern, and like all patterns, it can be broken. Pay attention to your tendencies. If you feel yourself wanting to overdo something, stop and sit with what drives you. Is it anxiety? Discomfort? Fear? Neediness? Do you owe someone something as if their time is more valuable than yours?
Value can’t be gotten from someone else, and over-performing doesn’t work in the long run anyway. It keeps you on the hamster wheel of always strategizing what you should do next. It causes anxiety and feeds your negative beliefs, keeping you stuck in the same patterns. If what you really want is love and attention, ask how you can give it to yourself. It is only by taking different actions and focusing on self-love that we can break these patterns.
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