#274- What Do You Expect When Seeking Help?
Most people who seek help in the form of coaching, therapy or even a friend are looking for relief from their pain. Some want someone to fix their problems and make them feel ok; the responsibility falls on the helper. Unfortunately that’s not how change and growth works. Unless YOU do the work, nothing will change. Some people will say, “I tried that 10 years ago and it didn’t work” as an excuse to stay stuck. It’s the opposite of empowerment when you put the responsibility for your life outside of you. Whatever help you seek will only go as far as the work you’re willing to do on yourself.
This was totally me back when my marriage broke up and I saw a therapist. My goal in therapy was to prove that I was right and my husband was wrong. I had no interest in taking responsibility and owning my role. My focus was on my therapist, not me, which was a huge barrier to change. Years later when I sought out a business coach, I did so because I wanted her to fix me. I didn’t know what real work was, and that I actually had to do it. In both cases I was disappointed because I put the responsibility on them.
YOU still have to do the work, which requires emotional change to break a pattern held by a negative belief. Those who have walked a similar path can lead the way based on their experiences, but they can’t reach inside you to force change. It’s hard when you mentally feel you’ve done it all and nothing is different. It can make you feel resistant to doing the work (yup, I’ve been there too). If you’re not in a place where you’re willing to do the work, it might be better not to seek help because you will become your own barrier. And if you do want help, get clear on your expectations. No one can fix you but you can choose to be open to doing things differently.
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