The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions

Welcome back to my blog series on  “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you’re just joining, you can access the prior posts here: Intro, First Agreement, Second Agreement. 

Ok, let’s jump in!

Agreement #3: Don’t Make Assumptions

“The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.”
— The Four Agreements, Chapter 4

The Third Agreement is closely related to the Second Agreement: Don’t take anything personally. We ASSUME our reality is the same as someone else’s reality, so we fit whatever they do or say into how we view the world. We create stories around our reality. But we cannot dive into another person’s head and know what they’re thinking, but we sure think we can! 

Do you ever read into texts, emails, or even conversations and think you have the other person “figured out”? You believe you know their reason, intention, or motivation, but that assumption is based on your reality and your beliefs. Theirs are probably different. 

Remember this from last week… Your reality is simply that: YOUR reality. Their reality is THEIR reality. 

Why do people assume? Here are a few common reasons I encounter, especially when it comes to insecure attachment:

1. Assuming is safer than the truth, allowing you to live in a fantasy.
2. Assuming is a great distractor from dealing with your feelings.
3. Assuming allows you to impose your reality on other people, expecting them to think and act the same way you do.

Let’s break these down…

 

Assumptions and Truth vs. Fantasy

If you don’t ask questions, you can comfortably continue with the illusion that everything is ok. In an insecurely attached relationship, it’s safer to assume your partner doesn’t want to commit (whether it’s marriage or otherwise) because he’s not ready to settle down or his prior relationship soured him on the idea. So you assume the years away, afraid of confronting an inconvenient truth: maybe he doesn’t want to commit to YOU. And because we are mirrors for each other, that leads to asking where you’re afraid to commit and why you attracted this person in the first place.

Oh yeah, that’s scary. Who wants to go there?

Ruiz writes, “We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”

These questions, I will add, are not just of others, but also of yourself.

Instead of having vulnerable, difficult conversations that could turn your world upside down, you avoid them. What if your partner says something you don’t want to hear? What if his/her answer means you would have to leave the relationship, something you can’t bear? 

Nope, better to live blissfully ignorant and assume it’s because of a story you’re more comfortable with. Or maybe you believe your love will change him/her–a very dangerous fantasy because you can never change another person. They have to want to change themselves. 

 

Assumptions and Feelings

Building off the above, assumptions allow you to avoid your deeper feelings, the ones tied to your negative beliefs around rejection, abandonment, not being good enough, etc. If you assume rather than asking questions, you avoid confronting those beliefs, enabling you to stay in your cozy little fantasy.

But is that living fully and authentically? No, because you are operating from a place of fear rather than love. Assumptions keep you stuck in fear.

If your fear of abandonment holds you back from asking your partner where the relationship is headed, you never have to face those fears. But at what cost? How many years are you willing to waste, assuming your relationship is moving in the direction you want, only to find out your assumption was wrong? And have you avoided your fear?

 

Assumptions, Expectations and Reality

When you assume, you attach expectations to outcomes, often leading to disappointment. If you’re sad, you assume your partner can pick up on how you’re feeling and know exactly what to do (i.e. give you a hug, make dinner, buy flowers, etc.). If he/she doesn’t do one of these things (your expectation), you’re hurt.

You believe if someone loves you, they should automatically know how you feel and what you need. But remember–their reality is not the same as yours. 

 

Assumptions and Healthy Relationships

You are not a mind reader. When you take actions based on what you assume the other person is thinking, you are reacting to a story in your head. When you believe you know someone’s reason, intention, or motivation, that is based on your viewpoint, not theirs. We don’t all see things the same way.

Instead of assuming, ask questions. Be curious. Confront your fears and challenge the stories in your head. Even if what you discover is not what you’re hoping for, you can make decisions that are rooted in reality. That is what people in healthy relationships do.

“We assume that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works.”

–The Four Agreements, Chapter 4

 

Journal Prompt

Grab your journal or use the printable download and answer the following questions:

1. When someone around you is in a bad mood, angry or annoyed, what are the first thoughts that usually come to mind? Do you act based on those assumptions, or do you ask what’s wrong? 
2. What is the benefit of assuming? Does it confirm a story in your head about how the other person feels about you, or confirm a story about how you feel about THEM? 
3. Can you think back on a time recently when this happened? What was the story in your head? And why were you afraid to challenge it by finding out the truth?

Focus your attention on your assumptions. Trying to read someone’s mind, looking for meaning in what someone does/says, or not getting the response you expect are all good clues. Each time you catch yourself making an assumption, write it down in your journal. Again, it’s important to do this without judgment. This exercise is about increasing your level of awareness, so don’t beat yourself up for the assumptions you make; it’s a pattern you’ve developed over many years.

Use simple bullet points, writing down what happened and the assumption you made. For example:

• An attractive woman smiled at me in line at the grocery store
  • I assumed she was interested in me, so I built this whole story around our life together by the time I got to the cashier
• My partner forgot it was his turn to make dinner
  • I assumed it was because he resents having to cook, and is always looking for a way out of it
• My boss gave me extra work on a project
  • I assumed it was because she doesn’t trust the other people on our team
• My date left the server a small tip
  • I assumed he was an asshole who thought he was superior

Now, let’s flip it. For each scenario, put yourself in their shoes and write down what the other person might believe. Again, this isn’t about guessing correctly (that would be assuming!). It’s an exercise in perspective, acknowledging that other peoples’ view of the world is different from yours. There is no right or wrong. Just different. Here’s an example:

• An attractive woman smiled at me in line at the grocery store
  • Smiling at strangers instantly lifts her mood so she does it whenever she has a hard day.

 

EXTENSION EXERCISE: When you catch yourself assuming, challenge it by listing other possibilities. Let’s say someone cuts you off in traffic and you assume they’re an aggressive, selfish asshole with no friends. Challenge that assumption by saying out loud, “Maybe their kid is in the hospital. Maybe their friend’s flight arrived early and they are rushing to the airport. Maybe there is a bee in the car and they are trying not to get stung. Maybe they just got off a race track and forgot what it’s like to drive on the freeway.” Throw in a few absurd ones just for the fun of it. Your anger will quickly subside.

You can see how assuming and personalizing are closely related, and how they don’t belong in healthy relationships. We assume we know what other people are thinking and feeling because we impose our reality on them, believing it’s all about us. What’s the antidote to assuming?

Ask questions. Be curious. Speak your truth. 

“The whole war of control between humans is about making assumptions and taking things personally.”

The Four Agreements, Chapter 4

 

Ok, finally we come to The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best. In other words… you’re going to screw up and go against these agreements. It’s ok!