Are you waiting for the one?
I got news for you. Until you realize you are the one, there is no one who fills those shoes. It means:
- You’ve got to be aware of your own behavior.
- You’ve got to surrender to your old ways.
- You have to stop looking at your date as the focus.
No one is the magical partner you have imagined. This person is a human being like you. And that is scary. What if you choose the wrong one?
Oh, so then you yank out your “preventative” list of criteria, right?
Well, I guarantee not much will change until you know what you are doing. Yes, YOU. You more than likely date in the same old way, using tools learned from someone else and always looking at your new date as the source for why or why won’t a relationship work.
Having been there, I can tell you I know from my experience, I thought I was aware of my behavior, but I was really aware of my reaction to the other person. I mean, I figured I was open and available (bullshit); I didn’t realize my old ways were keeping me stuck, especially since I read every book on earth to do with dating and then I would look to the guy as a thumbs up or down, right off the bat. How could I have different, if I was unwilling to change anything?
Well heck, I thought I was open to change, so if someone had a new dating hack or advice or seemed to successfully land a mate, I was all ears. I would then implement whatever that tip was and it may have worked to a point, BUT I never felt good. I always felt anxious or out of touch or insecure. I was a wreck when dating in this manner. I always felt untethered. I always felt unlovable. I always felt I sucked at dating.
And I did for a long, long time.
The truth is being emotionally available is the foundation for dating to mating in a healthy way. Let’s at what you need to do to change your dating experience.
Have awareness of your behavior.
Check yourself. When you’re texting, talking or on an actual date–are you being real or trying to get the person to like you? Are you enjoying yourself or are you shut down and already discounted he or she as a possibility? What are you feeling? Are you thinking about an ex, comparing this person to him or her? What are you doing to emotionally protect yourself and shut down? Are you trying to be witty and show how amazing you are? Look at all the ways your behavior suggests you are completely disconnected from yourself; like your body has been taken over by some strange dating beast.
Surrendering your old ways is the WTF statement.
Seriously, let me spell that out, what the fuck can you hope to be different, if you are not only acting in the same old ways, but viewing everything from the same ol’ filters? NOTHING will be different, I promise you. If fear is what you lead with, as you try to hold onto someone for dear life or run away when it seems this person might be interested and they are *gulp* available!? Well, perhaps, it is the game you play of cat and mouse with a possible suitor. Stop that shit and be real. It is to ask yourself the question, “Do I want a relationship?” If the answer is YES, then I highly suggest you stop the b.s. and that you surrender to being curious as you date. You want to learn about you and another. You want to have a different experience and the only way you can is by not trying to control the situation or put a label on it right off the bat. Slow the fuck down and let yourself be in the moment (its scary)! And if your goal is a relationship, everyone you meet is the next step or the relationship, so treat the situation as one of learning and growing, so you can grow into a relationship.
If you are unwilling to surrender your old ways, ask yourself why you are so closed. Why are you waiting for a “perfect” partner? We are all flawed humans, so as long as you look for that magical person, a potential match will pass you right by.
Finally, stop looking at your date as the focus.
Every time I ask someone who is dating how it’s going, I get a litany of excuses about why it will not work, including a list of characteristics that drive them nuts. They never talk about the experience of dating or how they felt because their focus is always on their date. It’s all about what THEY said or what THEY did. This is a learned behavior which means it can be unlearned.
How can you know if you’re having fun when the other person is always the focus? Don’t you need to be connected to yourself to know if you’re enjoying yourself? Yes, you do. When you’re focused on the spinach in their teeth or the crappy car they drive or the job you don’t approve of, you are totally disconnected from yourself. And you can’t connect with another person if you can’t connect to yourself. When on a date, ask yourself, “Am I present in this conversation? Am I actually listening? How do I feel? Am I relaxed?” Don’t lose YOU.
You cannot have an authentic experience by being cut off from your emotions and simply reacting to the other person. Make sense? Focusing on yourself, being aware of your behavior and having the courage to change what isn’t working will totally shift how you date and who you attract.
And even though I am not a dating coach, I am all about behavior and being authentic, because it is the only way to have what you want. Fuck all the tips and tricks, learn how to be real and do the things I mentioned here. It matters if you want healthy and happy, instead of painful or alone.
You can also start the process in real time by coming to my event on December 8th in Los Angeles. It will be as transformative as you allow it to be! Each of us controls what we are willing to learn and do. So you can stay stuck or roll up your sleeves to attract that relationship by being responsible for what happens in your dating life.